Published June 25, 2008
Heart beats high,
Chest overflowed with ungracious grief ,
Sweat and tears rolling down the temple,
Thoughts rioting as if war has started already,
No matter the sky is quiescent it's still a warning to Calamity,
Running through the ruin remains of dreams,
Crushing them in less then a blink ,
Though they were the reward of lifetime,
Hoping they were nothing but a flash of heaven,
To stitch torn shreds of heart ,
Unbearable to stand ,
Cursing WHY were given life ,
So to witness life shattering before own eyes?
Dreading to take one more step to face one more dagger to life,
Vivacious evil disguised in ghostly smoke,
Unaware how more it would rob the weak soul,
Oaring hands displaying bravery,
To give evil a fright,
But it's the eye of EVIL ,
Unrevealing , Unafraid ,not leaving a moment to leave ,
Orbs and ears patient ,
Waiting for a whisper of life,
Not dreading to give heart even one thing to cling it's hope on,
Not giving evil a single reason to force one more dagger of death on,
A fragment of heart in swelled chest,
Hopes for victory ,
But there is still a lot to cry ............................................................
...............A whisper suppressed by howling air,
Fought through ,
Rung ears and shouted for rescue ,
Though being Feeble it conquered dreadful thoughts overwhelming heart,
Mind raced through a vicious circle fought that frail soul out,
Body half alive burned with hope ,
Armed itself with courage,
Tearing storm of death apart hugged the little life,
And gave a breath to a breath standing for life![b]
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Agreed big-time about the sentence fragments. They are like many peices of different puzzles all thrown together. the hooks and holes cannot connect. Flow is interupted when you have to reread and though I can see what you're trying for, it still needs to have some essence of life and order.
No matter the sky is quiescent it's still a warning to Calamity,
After quiescent, I'd spring on a line break or at least a comma. Also while I'm here I might as well point out the need for the word 'if' or preferably 'that' between "matter" and "the".
Waiting for a whisper of life,
Not dreading to give heart even one thing to cling it's hope on,
Not giving evil a single reason to force one more dagger of death on,
A fragment of heart in swelled chest,
Hopes for victory ,
But there is still a lot to cry
I like these lines alot. But it really feels like an ending and the poem is too overwhelming anyway. If you're going for that feel and format, it shouldn't be a large peice. Since it is rather choppy it's hard to tell a story so you end up saying the same thing in different ways and just overwhelming the reader. Potienal in those lines up there though. I especially liked how you said 'for the heart to cling it's hope on'. That's an original play on words and I love the idea that hope was always there, a possesion of the heart just now put to use.
At first glance, this appears to be a collection of sentence fragment, especially since there are often words missing in them. If you'd like me to go through this more closely with you, let me know and I'd be happy to help. However, if it's just a question of not looking at what you've written before you've posted, please go over this again. Ex (edit in bold):
The main problem with a sequence of sentence fragments like this is that it doesn't go anywhere. It's as if all these feelings and images and everything are being thrown into a pile, but with nothing to hold them there, they just float away again. I know that this is supposed to be about war, since that is how it's titled. However, by the end, I don't know what you were trying to say about war, or if you're trying to comment on war in general, or tell about a battle or about a single person or what.